So I am mostly back on my feet after the mind shattering pain that was my grandmother's death & funeral. She died a week ago today. We buried her on Friday. I now understand the saying "wracked with grief". I didn't know it was possible to cry so hard or have my body shake so badly. I've never experienced a headache like the one the day after her funeral. My clinical husband diagnosed me with severe dehydration from crying so much. Things I didn't know were possible.
I am so glad it is over. Not grams' life, but her death & funeral. I can go back to just being her granddaughter. I don't need to be strong or in charge any longer. I don't have to make decisions any more. And most of all, I don't have to worry. That is the most liberating feeling of all.
Her death was much like the last 16 years of her life -- on her own terms. While she had cancer for the past 9 months -- check that, we have KNOWN about it for the last 9 months, but she probably had cancer for years -- she only suffered for the final weekend. And she really only suffered for a few hours before we started plying her with morphine.
At any rate, she is gone. I will never be the same. But I have to move forward. I am actually looking forward to moving forward.
So when I have times like this and all else fails, I go back to my zen. The thing that brings me the most comfort. I break out my spinning wheel. The flow of the fiber through my fingers is a hypnotic, tranquil experience. It helps me to find my center. It brings me peace.