Monday, September 27, 2010

moving forward...

So I am mostly back on my feet after the mind shattering pain that was my grandmother's death & funeral.  She died a week ago today.  We buried her on Friday.  I now understand the saying "wracked with grief".  I didn't know it was possible to cry so hard or have my body shake so badly.  I've never experienced a headache like the one the day after her funeral.  My clinical husband diagnosed me with severe dehydration from crying so much.  Things I didn't know were possible.

I am so glad it is over.  Not grams' life, but her death & funeral.  I can go back to just being her granddaughter.  I don't need to be strong or in charge any longer.  I don't have to make decisions any more.  And most of all, I don't have to worry.  That is the most liberating feeling of all.

Her death was much like the last 16 years of her life -- on her own terms.  While she had cancer for the past 9 months -- check that, we have KNOWN about it for the last 9 months, but she probably had cancer for years -- she only suffered for the final weekend.  And she really only suffered for a few hours before we started plying her with morphine.

At any rate, she is gone.  I will never be the same.  But I have to move forward.  I am actually looking forward to moving forward.


So when I have times like this and all else fails, I go back to my zen.  The thing that brings me the most comfort.  I break out my spinning wheel.  The flow of the fiber through my fingers is a hypnotic, tranquil experience.  It helps me to find my center.  It brings me peace.

2 comments:

Caroline B said...

So sorry to hear of your loss - this kind of thing really hits hard physically as well as mentally. I hope the spinning is as therapeutic as it looks - you could then make something with the resulting yarn as a remembrance.

Courtney Waugh said...

Oh Angela--I'm so sorry!! I remember exactly how it felt when my grandmother passed away. It was one of the worst days of my life. There are things that remind me of her that make me smile and cry all at the same time. You're right when you say you'll never be the same but you'll always have precious memories! The yarn looks beautiful and you can make something with it as a remembrance/tribute to her memory. :-)