moving forward...

So I am mostly back on my feet after the mind shattering pain that was my grandmother's death & funeral.  She died a week ago today.  We buried her on Friday.  I now understand the saying "wracked with grief".  I didn't know it was possible to cry so hard or have my body shake so badly.  I've never experienced a headache like the one the day after her funeral.  My clinical husband diagnosed me with severe dehydration from crying so much.  Things I didn't know were possible.

I am so glad it is over.  Not grams' life, but her death & funeral.  I can go back to just being her granddaughter.  I don't need to be strong or in charge any longer.  I don't have to make decisions any more.  And most of all, I don't have to worry.  That is the most liberating feeling of all.

Her death was much like the last 16 years of her life -- on her own terms.  While she had cancer for the past 9 months -- check that, we have KNOWN about it for the last 9 months, but she probably had cancer for years -- she only suffered for the final weekend.  And she really only suffered for a few hours before we started plying her with morphine.

At any rate, she is gone.  I will never be the same.  But I have to move forward.  I am actually looking forward to moving forward.

So when I have times like this and all else fails, I go back to my zen.  The thing that brings me the most comfort.  I break out my spinning wheel.  The flow of the fiber through my fingers is a hypnotic, tranquil experience.  It helps me to find my center.  It brings me peace.