finding my inner farmgirl

As a person I have changed so much over the past 10 years or so. Obviously, being Beastie's mom has had a lot to do with that. But moreso, I think it is finding contentment in my life & that I am no longer searching for whatever it was that I had been searching for; seems I have found it without even realizing.

I've always been going, going, going, driving to find that thing that would complete me. The thing that would make me feel that I had finally accomplished enough, been good enough, been successful enough. But of course, it was never enough.

Then God brought me John. Or I should say He let me find John. And from there, my life began to change. Slowly at first, but eventually I began to settle down. Not settle, mind you, but began to find the contentment I had always sought. I was a soccer mom & a career woman and a dang good cook and I had found a place in my life that made me happy. I devoted my life to O & A (Orin, my oldest & Alex, 2 years younger). Life was good.

And then God found fit to give me Beastie. And wow, did that throw me for a loop. O & A were practically teens. Did I really want to do this all over again? And then, we had our angel, our perfect little boy, except he wasn't perfect. He was broken. But God only showed me a little bit of that broken at a time. If he had hit me with it all at once, I would have crumpled. So I took my broken little boy and worked as hard as I could to find him the best people to help him get through life. Beastie started developmental therapy at 9 months. He got an autism diagnosis at 19 months. He was evaled for seizure disorder at 3. He went to a feeding clinic to learn to eat when he was 4. He had surgery on his legs this past winter to help him walk. He got glasses two weeks ago. And now, three weeks before he turns 5 we realize that there might be neurological problems going on in that sweet little Beastie brain of his. More issues then just the autism. Issues that might be really, really bad. Or maybe just something he was born with and something else we will learn to live with. For the next 3 weeks I'm just waiting for someone to tell me what they see when they look at MRIs & brain scans. And waiting for someone to tell me it will be okay, no matter what.

So while I was busy being Beastie's mom, I gave up my career. But I still had the drive and the desire to accomplish more. So I co-founded a designer handspinning business. It thrived. I thrived. I devoted my heart and soul to it. But because everything happens for a reason, I had to let it go. God took it out of my hands and took my business partner and soul mate 3,000 miles away. I gave it up, but felt that I still needed something to occupy my energy. I helped to start our local chapter of the Autism Society of America and became the president. I figured it was my job to help other families cope with this devastating disease. I've volunteered probably 1,000 hours the past year, at least. I've fought for the things I believed in & helped others find the resources they needed to move forward. And all the while, I kept chugging along with my family, doing what needed to be done, every day, and yet still thinking I needed more.

But recently, I've started to change. I've started to embrace the real me. I'm learning to accept that I don't always need to be in charge. I don't need to lead the parade or be the top name on the list or have control of every little thing. I am beginning to say 'no' when people ask me if I can do something. I am scaling back my life outside of my home & focusing on what makes me and the people I love happy. I am embracing my inner farmgirl and learning how to breathe again. I am realizing that I don't need to impress anyone, don't need to change the world single-handedly, don't need to be the very, very best at everything. I can just be me & and that is good enough.

I've been blessed to find a wonderful group of friends in the online community Plurk. They make me laugh constantly, give me something to strive for and hug me when I am scared. Together we are embarking on a journey called the Plurkette Hencircle where we will challenge each other and ourselves to strive to be what it is we are each searching to become. Oh, and we will have fun. We will laugh and cry and grow and together, they will help me find that inner farmgirl that I have been searching for for so long.